my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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