I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
