After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
