pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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