I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
