I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
