I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
