I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
i think my cat just said my name.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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