Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
