Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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