i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
