There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
