good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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