Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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