I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
