Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
