I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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