Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
