smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
