I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
