After last night, I could never be a politician.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
