I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
