True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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