dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The best revenge is premature balding
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
