He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
