u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
