planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
