She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm just crazy horny about you
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
