Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
