Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
