In the future we'll all be gay
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
