Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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