Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
