Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
