How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
