Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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