I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
