found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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