You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
