I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
