does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
