I think I died a long time ago.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
