If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
