At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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