I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
