is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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