I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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