is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
