Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
