Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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